Monday, June 25, 2007

BEHOLD YOUR FALSE IDOL, SMITH CULTISTS



I hate movie directors who find success and don't care to challenge themselves afterwards. Smith, like George Lucas, realized there was more long-term monetary gain selling toys and t-shirts based on your creative property than making a lot of movies.

He commands a cult fanbase which admires him, Kevin Smith the personality, more than his films. He travels on the road to live speaking engagements and those masses gather. I attended one of them a few years ago, I'm not proud to say, and stood in a question line almost the whole time without getting to ask if he was directing the new Fletch movie.

The event was two hours of this guy getting to pretend to be a rock star after flashing in the pan with one good comedy that captured a zeitgest of it's era, "Clerks." He's been coasting that damn wave through 5 or 6 diminishing returns ever since, incapable or unwilling to develop in competence or originality! The abominable CLERKS 2 even came after Smith promised to the fanbase never use the crutch of his wacky company-named "View Askew-niverse" characters ever again.

Look at his messianiac robe-like trenchcoat and phony Lenny-Bruce-of-the-movies shtick!



He gets to tell stories about Ben Affleck to people lining up and filling auditoriums and performance halls to tell him how great he is and quote his movies at him, while he genuflects with phony humility! Like Quentin Tarantino, this guy didn't have a LIFE before movie success and he turned him himself into a CELEBRITY director who cranks out identical turds every once in a while while the initial fanbase dwindles. Kevin can't grow up and incidentally, Clerks 2 is a movie about the importance of not growing up lest you lose your friends, thus selling out / losing your roots / not keeping it real. What an overrated loser.

He also used his fame to write himself into multiple episodes of his favorite TV show as a teenager so that he could kiss one of the characters. Fan fiction can come true in the life of this nerd-king auteur!

Then there's the god damned super hero books. Under the guidance of The Weinstein Company/Miramax, Kevin Smith™ made it well known in his publicity material that he sold his Marvel comics collection to make his first film. His second film gave a featured cameo to Stan Lee, a man whose sales go up every time he appears on camera somewhere.

According to IMDB, which is Wikipedia for movie information and thus much better researched, Smith turned down offers to write and/or direct "The Hulk," "Iron Man," "Fantastic Four," "Green Latern," and "The Punisher." THE PUNISHER?!? The studios offer these adaptations freely since they'll inevitably be seen by American families and international audiences who can't speak English and are spared the awful dialogue. The fans' money is not what returns the investment.

Smith is simply a fan who made it. His movie success and well publicized love of comics was leveraged in recent years to allow him writing gigs on several Marvel Comics. I imagine his stylized hyperbole works better in comic book word balloons than live action, however badly it still may suck.

Oh, and he named his daughter Harley Quinn, after a Batman character. This guy has serious problems with a) originality and b) justifying nerd obsessions.

Like Marvel Comics and Star Wars - two things he's devoted an AWFUL lot of dialogue and screentime to - his films take place in a franchise friendly Kevin Smith "universe" that allows him to cameo, do a supporting role or star as a recurring character, all despite protestations to his fan cult that he is not an actor. And yet he's gone from being a hack to playing a computer hacker villain in Die Hard 4 and doing a supporting part in some chick flick just before that.

IMDB trivia: Kevin Smith was allowed to pick his own wardrobe for the film. Because of that, most of the clothes he wears in the movie bear his trademark number "37".

Hah, see, "37" is his "trademark number". Some movies have catch phrases, but like the films of Smith's colleague Quentin Tarantino, every other line of dialogue is meant to be quoted. You can ingratiate yourself to the fan cults by quoting their scriptures as often as possible, like the mantras of Scientologists.

Tarantino also puts himself in as many movies as possible...hey waitaminit, both these geeks were turned into Miramax cash cows in the mid-90s! That's why anyone still pretends they're relevant! Time for these golden calves to be melted. You're next, Quint!

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